|
|
Monday, March 3rd, 2008
| |
1:58 pm - Society, Social, Socially Anxious... People, Do NOT Mock Me
|
Firstly, sorry that I didn't come back on yesterday, I was in a terrible mood and quite depressed to really do much of anything. Even talking to my friend didn't seem to help me much. Well.. she helped me but I've just been so incredibly gloomy and lonely that the foggy cloud was still over me. It isn't anymore though...at least for now anyways.
But I must rant about this fuckin world and all the people that live in it, including myself. So.. I got my Age of Majority card today so that I can go to this little concert of Raine's on the 27th of this month. I'm happy about that and then my mom was telling me that I should probably get myself a job or something since I mentioned how it would be nice if I could do something away from home instead of being here ALLLL the fuckin time. I don't ever leave this place unless I absolutely HAVE to and its mostly due to my social anxiety I have, which really really sucks for me but whatever...
So after my mom leaves for work around 1:30pm'ish, I decided that I'd look for my SIN card, just for the heck of it and you know what? It didn't dawn on me til after starting my search that I had lost it awhile ago but I continue looking for it because I had a feeling that I knew where it might be hiding from me. Of course, its not there, its not in the drawer that it SHOULD be in, I found my sister's and my mom's card but not mine *roars*. I can't possibly remember where the last place I could have had it in this house because I only saw it about 3x before it had disappeared on me. Its like it doesn't WANT me to even consider getting myself a job at all. Whether I want to work now or not, I can't find it so i'm screwed, totally totally utterly screw-ewwed, gah!
I don't understand why we have to have a fuckin number so that we can fuckin work, why we must have ID on us to prove to others that we're capable of actually doing SOMETHING in this friggin messed up world. Its definetly not helping me at all with my anxiety that i've been plagued with for almost half my life now. It just doesn't seem to add up. Everyone has to be given a number and you have to pay for that number so that you can be given an opportunity to work and get the most of life. If it is a free country than why does everything that go on in this country has to have some sort of price tag on it? I was telling my friend a couple of days ago how school is actually kind of pointless to do. We're told to not dwell on things so much and to live in the present and think about our future, our goals, hopes and dreams, all of that corny stuff. But when we are forced by the government, by law that we have to spend most of our life going to school. Do they not realize that they are teaching us to dwell, we study things that HAVE happened but nothing that is GOING to happen. I mean, if they can just teach the basics and what we truly need to know, if we could choose our schooling path then everything else wouldn't be such a waste of time. Let us just figure out the rest on our own instead of forcing us to learn shit we don't really want nor need to know much about, no wonder there are so many drop outs. Well... I could go on and on about this but i'm not in the mood for it right now.
I just wanted to say that it is extremely difficult to deal with many things that go on in this world that you need some fuckin piece of paper that everyone gets so hyped up about, that will allow you to do many things in the workplace, I just don't get it. But its really tough to do any of this stuff when you're plagued with social anxiety(like me) and you're never really relaxed, not even when its suppose to be "fun" - just frustrates me to no end. Anyways, I've ranted so much that i'm not entirely sure what i'm actually talking about anymore. I need to cool off because i'm sensing i'm entering the great depression room at the moment and feeling extremely lonely right now.
I might, just *might* come back later but I don't know... we'll see, I regret eating popcorn earlier though. Its making me feel like crap now, argh... *sigh* Talk to you later lj :)
PEACE OUT!!!
~Jessie~
current mood:  moody
current music: Anna Molly - Incubus
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, March 2nd, 2008
| |
1:26 pm - My damn dull day
|
Gosh, I am so friggin bored right now and not sure what exactly I'd like to do to fill all the spare time I seem to have these days. I'm also kinda chilly in here but I think its from the lack of furniture in here, I can deal with it.
I woke up in a shitty mood this morning and so achey all over, I reeeally need a new bed. I try to keep in a positive mood but there is always something that gets to me or I just all of a sudden switch my mood to gloomy for some reason. I'm a little concerned about myself but I don't really want to talk about it right now - its sorta personal. Well.. I could say it but not right now, maybe another time. I had gone downstairs to get a glass of apple juice and then a bit later on, after feeding,vetting and showing my mice on SCWA. I made myself a toasted everything bagel(everything meaning all seeds except flax and had onion and garlic in it a little, yummy) with low fat lactose-free margarine then low fat cream cheese which in all honesty, I'm not too fond of but it did taste pretty damn good, lol!
I then had trudged back to my room to be a computer nerd and catch up on posts on the rat forum for a little bit. Hoped that one of my friends would come online so I could chat to them for a bit nobody came online so I was a little bummed out by that. I was getting fed up with my habits and myself, I couldn't stand being near the computer for very long this morning and since I wanted to see what my mom was up to because she had to work today. However I just ended up giving Cody some attention and he seem to enjoy it.
I was trying to get him to go on my hand without flying off his perch to get to another room and it took about 4 tries before he stepped up onto my hand without freaking himself out. I seriously think he does that on purpose, makes himself afraid of something so he has a reason to fly because I did nothing to scare him and there wasn't really anything in the room that could scare him either. I was hoping to towel train him before we take him to the vet sometime next week but there is no way he can be comfortable enough with a towel before seeing the vet so I know the lack of training is definetly going to be noticeable when we visit the bird doctor. *sigh* Anyways, I've been lonely so I talked to Cody for awhile and I let him see the outside from the window so he could get some sunlight on him. He also seems to love computers and I think that's partially why he gets a bit territorial with us because he doesn't want us to play on it yet he loves watching us play games on it so I don't really know. So.. I let him be with me for a bit and wander around on the floor for awhile for a bit of birdy excercise hehe.. and then placed him back on his play gym so he could eat and knaw on his wood toys and such.
I came back up here around like 12:35pm and I was feeling quite blah from everything. Its like I want to do things but at the same time I have like no motivation to do any of it so it ends up not getting done at all. I went on neopets for a bit and did today's Daily Dare and I suck at the game for today, it was Wicked Wocky Wobble, I don't understand how anyone can get a highscore on that fuckin game. I could barely get to 70.. anyways, after that little game and winning 2k on the Wheel of Excitement. I lurked a bit more on the rat forum and I noticed that Rae was on there and was hoping to talk to her again. She noticed I was on there so she came online for a short time to let me know she left some posts which I've already seen and said she will be taking more pictures and hopefully talk to me again real soon... maybe later in the evening today. But after that brief chat, I don't know why but I started crying a little because I think I'm just putting too high of an expectation on others and I have to somehow stop that 'cause its hurting me and probably them as well.
I said that I would post a reply to her posts soon and I really do want to post a reply but I'm not sure, my mind seems to be on overdrive. As soon as I'm asked to say something on anything for anything and anyone, I feel like its too much but its nothing really - just a simple reply. I have to wait til my mind calms down before making any type of postings at all, otherwise i'm going to overanalyse every single detail in my messege from the words to my sentences to what i'm actually trying to say, the meaning of my messege, etc... I just hate it so much.
So that's where I'm at right now. I'm just waiting. I'm waiting for something, I don't know what it could be, company maybe, its really hard to say at this point in time. But its like 2:32pm here and I think I'm going to watch a movie on surfthechannel.com. That is an awesome website, anyone who doesn't have a tv(or a working on for that matter) and can't afford to go to the movies alot, should check that website out. It doesn't have every single movie that has been made, it doesn't have every show that has been done before nor possibly not all episodes from certain shows. It does have a wide selection to choose from though and is safe and can be quite addictive. I've watched for movies: The Sword and the Stone, Bambi 2, Over The Hedge, Jurassic Park, The Lion King 2, Juno, Antz, and recently Evan Almighty. And for tv shows: House, Dead Like Me, Whose Line Is It Anyways?, and Roseanne. I'll be watching more in a little bit though.
I think i've written enough for now, I've still got a bunch of things on my mind that I want to get out of my head but my hands needs a bit of a break from typing - I seem to be getting a bit of a shooting pain down my right arm :/ So... I'll most likely come back later or tomorrow... we'll see how I feel a bit later on, anywho, talk to you later lj
PEACE OUT!!!
~Jessie~
current mood:  gloomy
current music: Life - Our Lady Peace
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, February 29th, 2008
| |
2:47 pm - My, my, its been awhile...
|
Hello there, my awesome first journal on here. I haven't been visiting you very much since there have been alot of changes going on in my life since I last posted to you. I'm going to have to post in you more frequently, I've forgotten how awesome this place can be. I'm amused how I really only posted like 1 post about 2 years ago, that's insane. I'm 20 btw... I'm not going to catch anyone up to speed because there are too many things to name off, lol!
I just wanted to pop in to say hello and I wish that more people I knew would join this awesome place and so I'd have more people for my friend list, not for popularity or anything but it just gets a bit lonely on here when I don't truly have anyone who can comment on whatever I've said in my entries. Maybe see if I can persuade 2 of my friends to join and be my pals(not too sure if i'll succeed on that but its worth a shot). I can sure tell you one thing though, i've been much more happier this past year since from previous years, i'm slowly finding my footing again. Still quite a long way to go yet... but i'm getting there, gradually with tons of support from friends and sorta family as well.
However currently today i've just been in a blah type of mood, its hard to tell from all the shit that has been going on in my home lately. I've had this aweful headache, on and off all day today for some reason. Could be my teeth, could have been from the milk products(I think i might be lactose intolerant or something) but right now I seem to be alright, just really bored and trying to keep myself in a positive mood since usually if I let myself become bored for too long, I become depressed and then all hell breaks loose after that, hahahaha lol...
Well.. I'm going to try to post something new as often as I possibly can, I may or may not come back later and post more in depth things. I've got a whole shwack of things on my mind on a much deeper level that needs to get out of me...possibly. Nothing depressing, its all good stuff so no worries there, ok? okies.
But I need to do something productive or something, not sure what, i'll think of something, maybe play some music to help me get inspired mmmwhahaha.. anywho, i'll talk to you later lj :)
PEACE OUT!!!!
~Jessie~
current mood:  chipper
current music: Low - Kelly Clarkson
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, December 10th, 2006
| |
9:05 am - Wow.. lol
|
MA'AN...! Do i EVER have anger issues.. *twidles thumbs*
I just thought i'd pop in and leave a bit of an update.. been awhile since i last updated this journal of mine.
Well.. just to wrap up my frustrations from before.. Madi and me aren't "close friends" anymore but we still have fluffy chats every now and then. It does hurt me that we may never become best pals again but i've learned to accept that and move on.. its not the end of the world, life will go on ^_^
So.. i'm 18 soon-to-be 19 and i'm not looking forward to that at all ha ha LOL! Anyways, in short, i've been having a bit of a tough time with my life at the moment, mostly stressed about the pets but i'm hoping things will get resolved soon and get better for myself.
Anywho, i have been such a buzzy bee lately.. i just thought i'd give a little update here and now i must head off and see what else i can do around here. I'll cya later lj :)
current mood:  good
current music: Espionage by Green Day
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, December 7th, 2005
| |
9:33 am - Darkness falls...or does it?!
|
"I feel like a social tool without a use, scream at me until my ears bleed.."
Depression is one of those things that, once you feel depressed, and i'm talking about like real real depressed, it takes a looong time to snap out of it. Its like living in a world of make believe,to be continued...lol
current mood:  okay
current music: Green Day
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, September 20th, 2005
| |
6:44 pm - Looking for answers????!!!!!!
|
I have not posted an entry in you, lj for a lil while. School has been keeping me buzzy, as well as my ratties.
i rant and i rant and i rant some more, there is only some much i can endure til i cannot endure no-more.
I'm sooooo frustrated and pissed off right now, i've had a fuckin cold for like fuckin forever, my allergies love me right now (oh joy!) and as much as i want to keep this inside, it must come out or i'mma gonna grow bald here lol
I found out my friend Madi and her family have decided to go somewhere else to camp WITHOUT us this year, for thanksgiving and another tradition breaks and i'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUCKIN PISSSSSED OFFF cuz i really REALLY wanted to talk to Madi and give her her friggin birthday gift, which i spent like the WHOLE ENTRIE day trying to find something for her and i feel very disappointed now.
But whatever... i need to go eat and do a few things so i'll ttyl later lj, gonna burry myself in OLP for awhile too.
PEACE OUT!!!!
current mood: pissed off
current music: Car Crash by OLP
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, September 4th, 2005
| |
8:54 am - I'll wait...i'll wait...i'll wait...i'll wait....
|
Well.. i hate that fact that when i woke up today at like 8am, there is only another day to spare before school starts. Woke up just depressed and drained and trying to forget about it but every now and then it comes crawling back. I know, i'm making a big deal out of it but it truly bothers me like crazy so i can't stop.
I've neglected my sites and forums for the past month due to depression and anxiety of other things. I hope no-one leaves em, i did leave a messege for them to read (except on the OLPOD Forum) but no-one has posted on there since like last year so i don't know.
I had some pizza this morning, still hungry, and i also listened to my OLP cd like 4-5x (listening to it right now hehehe lol) I was thinking about how Madi I have had SUCH a hell of a time between us as friends, but its just me, fucking things up. I got her a gift for her birthday, have it all wrapped up and stuff and was ready to give it to her in person when i found out her and her family had gone away for 2weeks, not sure if she's back home now but i miss her coming over here.
It is VERY awkward for us now though, so we don't spend any time with each other anymore but we'll chat to each other online, we both need space that's why.
But enough about Madi, i've talked about her too much in the past, i don't want to re-live it again (hahaha!!!)
DAMNIT!!! I've got this headache now, thinking about school again, that's it, yea... it sucks to be me. I'm only in school so i won't end up like my brother(no offence to him) and of course i HAVE to, its the law(DARN!!) Ooooh..i wonder if Kayla sent me her letter yet, i can't wait to recieve it and read it. Oh hey, my sister is friggin sleeping still and its now like 1pm but i.. i woke her up FINALLY!
Well i have to still get some new pants but i hate the style in clothing these days, pants set low, crazy coloured shirts and super tight, like HELLO???!! What about those people who like loose clothing *points to me* and i need to go to Toronto to like buy my kinda clothing, which sucks. Everything i seem to want is sooo expensive. And when i do see something i like, its not in my size ( FUCK DAMNIT!!!!!) I thank any fashoin designer that still makes and sells the ole style of clothing that i love to wear, i usually say i really hate 2nd hand stores such as one my parents visit like EVERY day, my dad buys everything from St. Vincent's.
I don't like the store usually but in this case, its saving me from that cheap shitty clothing sold in other stores these days.
Anywho, i need to have a shower and do a few things and prepare myself for fuckin school, so i can have time to sulk and feel shitty about everything. Need to write down more things i like about myself, i've been saying things i like about myself this past week to try to reasure myself, i'll be alright when i'm feeling sorrowful deep inside *crying on the inside* Okay i have to stop here, sorry if this entry is sounding sooo depressing but that's just how i am, right now.
PS. I'm hungry, need to eat something lol
ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!
current mood:  depressed
current music: Wipe That Smile Off Your Face by OLP
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Saturday, September 3rd, 2005
| |
9:08 am - Lost & Found, trouble bound, castaway...
|
I missed a day on here, i wanted to make an entry yesterday but got distracted.
I have been enjoying the new OLP cd soooo much. I was making a few rockish dance moves for a few of the songs, i get sooo hyper when i listen to em lol
I hope i didn't annoy Lisa the other day, she kept asking me to keep her company while looking after her brother Mikey and his friend, then asked if i wanted to sleep over. I have just been feeling darkness in me lately, i remember shit that shouldn't exactly be remembered but it fuckin happens. Also school is weighing heavily in my mind, only 3days til i start school again. I'm sooo nervous, i feel sick with nausia, headaches, and butterflies in my stomach. I cry every now and then, not knowing which academic classes they chose for me. I don't want to drop out this time but i'm sure feeling it ALOT right now. On top of all that, i have my anxiety, A.D.D AND my rats to deal with(mostly the female ratties).
Our Lady Peace, Kayla, Lisa, Marie and anyone else who has helped me, i thank all of you soooo very much. If it weren't for all of you people, i'd be like a real fuckin mess right now. I know if it weren't for me persistants/will power i would still be a mess but i have to be strong as i don't want to take any medication for my problems, i don't want to have to depend on those fuckin pills to make me feel better.
There is this one song OLP did, off of their new cd "Healthy in Paranoid Times" that's titled "Picture" and it fits me sooo well. I know it was just a song that had done but i think that song was made for me (lol). Well i don't know exactly what its about but at one point in the song, Raine says "Please pick up the phone" about 3x. They want me to over-come my fear of the fuckin phone, well i'm not sure how to describe my problem with the phone but it has to do with my A.D.D though.
I don't like answering the phone unless its someone i know and they leave a messege. I'm slowly getting better at it but i'm doing it for OLP(and me too) but OLP is helping me give me a little bit of a push into success. Raine has such powerful, moving/inspirational and meaningful lyrics, i would really love to meet and talk with OLP. I know every fan says that, and they want to as well, but i want to more than anything in the world, even if it means getting choked up while meet&greet. They had added me to their friend list on myspace.com and i don't think they'll read every single comment left on their profile by fans. So i didn't post mine yet as i want to make sure my messege gets to them...may go in the back-door. My friend, Kayla, she knows Chantal Kreviazuk's brother Mike, so i can write my messege/letter and send it to her and she can pass it on to Mike then Chantal & Raine. But they're not closely knit like before so i'm not sure if that can be done still, i can try though.
I had this fuckin dream that made me happy yet very pissed off because it was about my crush Will, he was being soooo nice to me and we were like boyfriend+ girlfriend in the dream. But i'm pissed off i had that dream as i know i can't be with him, and its killing to know, i know where he lives, his phonenumber and been in love with him for 9yrs now. I did say i wouldn't ever forget him no matter what the out-come is but its just getting me fuckin pissed off too.
I have this headache now, just thinking about it and also from my female rats.
You don't know how hard it is to care for those 2 rats each day, they're sick and nearing their time. I feel like i'm trying to help them with a never-ending battle.
So i'm full of sorrow/depression yet lots of happiness in some way. As Duncan said about Raine? or was it about the band in general?! well he said "There's alot of darkness, but there's alot of hope too".
Anyways, i had better grab me some grub and prepare for fuckin school on the 6th(GRRR!!) I'm gonna be lonely for awhile but hey, that's life eh?! lol ok
ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, August 31st, 2005
| |
3:15 pm - Today i am.....
|
BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (bored!)
I am sooo bored today, i still need to gather up stuff for school (GGGRRRR!!!)
I'm hoping if people get off the main compy, i really have an urge to play the sims 2 again.
I have been waiting for awhile for someone interesting to come online, and someone did come on this morning, Rae did and i was soo happy but she said she was sick, i wished her to get well soon :) and i hope she gets my letter soon.
I eat, sleep and listen to music and cuddled my rats for awhile but I WANNA PLAY THE SIMS 2 *crys and whines* HA HA HA HA LOL!!!!!!!!!!
Anywho, i'm kinda mellow today and bored and i'm getting a headache so i think i'm gonna stop here for now. Maybe come on later but we'll see.
ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!
current mood: bored
current music: Walking In Circles by OLP
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| |
2:50 pm - Awesome cd!
|
Hey, i forgot to come on here again yesterday, got caught up in stuff and was super grumpy for some reason lol
I went to this hairstyling school(wasn't my choice) and they did a crappy job, ok maybe not but i like to make them seem like their bad at what they do haha lol
I decided to keep my long hair and, just got about 2inches cut off the bottom and got it layered. It only took 30min and omg!! my legs were soo sore from sitting in that chair.
See, i'm short so they had to have me sit on this board on the chair and my feet didn't reach the chair foot thing so my legs had to dangle there and get sore. It was the longest 30min ever, i had to keep my head up and my back straight but i kept slouching and turning my head because my legs are sooo friggin sore.
But after that, my dad, my sister and I went to eat some Subway sandwiches, we all got the same thing, a turkey, swiss cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber with mayonaise on whole wheat bun(untoasted) - MAN THAT WAS DEEELICIOUS...!!!
Although, my dad got a 6inch sub, i got a 6inch sub but my sister Dana went for the 12inch haha lol..she didn't finish it all.. well ate half and saved the other half later.
After a bunch of dilemma going on with my sister and her hanging out with her friends(i could care less so i'm not going to explain)I went to get the NEW OLP CD.
OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!! Okay, i went to HMV, saw it on the shelve, grabbed it and bought it and left. My dad is says to me sarcastically "Well you sure took a long time browsing around the store?!" and i just said "Yea i know eh?! I specifically came for this and been waiting a VERY long time for it". We then went to the pet store, got some lab blocks and parrot food, looked at the kitties there then came back home. I took off my shoes and ran directly upstairs to my room and started playing that cd RIGHT AWAY!!! and let me tell you something... this one is sooo very different from the rest.
I literally broke down in tears after listening to each individual song and watching the "Making of Healthy In Paranoid Times" on the dvd side (as its a dual disc). Now i understand why they almost split up for this, this cd has some powerful messeges but i just love these 4 guys sooo much and their music ROCKS!!!
After i had listened to the cd, i cleaned the ratties cages for about 2-3hrs then ate supper, played The Sims 2 and then went to bed and played beanies for 20-30min and was soo tired so i fell asleep.
That was all yesterday and yea lol
current mood: silly
current music: Apology by OLP
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 30th, 2005
| |
9:33 am - surprise...surprise...lookie lookie
|
Oh, i woke up this morning at like 7:30am and felt like shit but i was pretty darn good though. Oh but then i gave myself a smile and laughed because i remembered today is the day of the release of OLP's new cd called "Healthy In Paranoid Times".
I am sooo flippin excited, i cry hahaha lol
I have sooo many things to do today, need clean rat cages, get myself prepared for school on the 6th(oh joy!) and go out and give my hair just a bit of a cut. I'm going to cut it to just past shoulder length and maybe/probably layered but we'll see, i love my long hair *smiles while stroking hair* oh and of course going to buy the new cd fur sure fur sure.
I'll be listening to OLP ALL... day today and next week, i will drive other people insane tee hee lol! OH! OH! OH! and also, i can't believe my eyes but OLP finally accepted me as a friend on myspace.com - super hyper now *hops up and down* MAN I'M SUCH A FAN OF 'EM!!!! LMAO!!!
I've got this gift for Madi, a birthday gift but she went away camping somewhere and not sure when i'll be able to catch her when she comes back. I was hoping/wanting to give her her gift in person, i hope when i do, she'll love it!
Oh man! When will anyone come online, there hasn't really been anyone exciting online for a few days now and i'm going bonkers, starved for MSN chatting lol
SOMEONE COME ONLINE, LIKE RAE, ME MISS RAE CHIT CHAT, LMAO!!!!!
Well anyways, i've gotta go and get myself ready to go out and get cd and pet supplies, and possibly snack on something as i'm sooo friggin hungry here lol
I know i just had a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios but it wasn't enough so going to go forge for more food *rumages through the cupboards and fridge*
ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!!
current mood:  hyper
current music: If You Believe by OLP
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, August 29th, 2005
| |
1:02 pm - Dull summer...and bored stiff lol
|
So, this was the crappiest summer EVER!!! So depressing for me, but i'm not gonna get into it or it'll make me more dull lol
I went to "Super Ex" yesterday and holy shit, it was awesome. I didn't do anything eh?! Since i couldn't get tickets to this Rolling Stones concert, i stood beside the stadium inside the theme park and listened to it. Just hearing Raine's deep voice and their rustic music playing, brought tears to my eyes almost. Haven't heard OLP live in a looong time. I listened to them play some of their songs..they are:
Angels Losing Sleep
Where Are You?
Starseed
Wipe That Smile Off Your Face
Clumsy
Innocent
(then a couple of new songs i don't know the titles for)
It was really awesome to hear them while i was in the fairgrounds getting some poutine to eat tee hee lol I enjoyed every minute of it! But later, had i known there was a tv on the side of the stage on the other side of the stadium, i'd watch OLP there GRRRR!!!! However i enjoyed the rest of the concert of the Rolling Stones watching them(along with thousands of other people) on that big screen tv.
Every now and then i got a glimpse of them on the stage, and holy fuck... the coolest thing happened, the stage moved into the middle of the crowd. Its hard to believe The Rolling Stones haven't been to Ottawa for 40yrs and they came to perform last night, on the last day of Super Ex and OLP opening for them, double awesomeness.
I am sad today and sorta depressed a bit, because i miss OLP and school is going to start soon, cannot wait NOT, lol! I'm going to need to buy their new cd tomorrow, to pick me up a bit into somewhat happy mode haha lol
I had sent my 3rd letter to my manitoba friend, Rae, yesterday before going to The Ex but now today i'm bored even though i know there is tons of things i can do/should do lmao! Anyways, i'm grab me some munchies and do SOMETHING!
I definetly need to clean rat cages, clean up room and maybe (as much as i hate it) gather up my school stuff but we'll see..
Talk to ya later lj :)
PEACE OUT!!!
current mood:  lazy
current music: Clumsy by OLP
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
| |
10:24 am - the sadness never ends...
|
|
I am sitting here right now, crying on the inside soooo much. I use to suffer badly from depression and went to a program to help me get through the rough times and to help me deal with it later on in life without their help. However...for some reason i think its still there inside of me. I'm sad for many reasons and cannot seem to escape so i hide it and become either really pissed off or really hyper.
When others chat to me, i have never said i'm REALLY happy...because deep deep down i'm crying and my body is taking a toll on me.
The reason being is i'm not going anywhere in life, i don't have a job...not even a little summer job because of my anxiety. Can't even go to a friggin store by myself. Everyone i talk to or chat to online are either looking for a job or have one and as i said in another entry awhile back "I'm just stickin in one frickin spot".
My grandma, i'm thinking about these days, she's dying from stomach cancer and only has a month left to live i think.
She has no regrets and is happy to be going but it makes me really pissed off because i should be real sad about this and i'm not. She is the only grandparent left but i don't know... maybe its cuz she isn't a blood relative.
My dad was adopted ok and so i still don't know half my family...we tell him to go searching for em but does he? No friggin way..my grandma said he was/still is pissed off his biolodgical mom gave him up..but for good reasons and he may be afraid of rejection or something so he won't go searching for them...DAMNIT!!!
I feel very lonely this year because all my friends left me or i left them so i wouldn't hurt them. I don't want them to have a fuckin shy person annoy them as it always seems to end like that. They find out i'm shy and won't do much and then tell it to my face and say we can't be friends since you won't let anyone help you. OMG!!! I am letting others help me, just doing it on my own terms... so yea.... i'm left here alone for most of the time.
But i can't believe i remembered my password on here.. haven't been on this for since like EVER lol I'm going to big beautiful Toronto 2morrow and won't come back til Thursday... soo excited to visit the zoo..wanna see some naked mole rats haha lol
I've got to find some more batteries for my digital camera so i can take lots of piccies. I feel soo unmotivated right now though. I have like 2-3 OLP stories to finish and i'm nowhere near close to being done. Sooo hungry, should get something to eat...i ain't gonna leave my MSN all day because i really miss Rae chit chat..she hasn't been on for a day and i watched the news yesterday and they said in her city/province is getting flooding...hope she's alright.
Anyways, i have more to say but my tummy is gurgling for food so i better go and eat something...ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!
current mood: sad
current music: Don't Believe It All by Treble Charger
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Saturday, July 17th, 2004
| |
9:55 am - Y'ello lj- keep me posted kay, ALRIGHTY-lol
|
Hey sorry i've been neglecting ya lj. Just been to into other things i forget to come here or i remember but by the time i do i have sumthin else i'm gonna do like clean or sumthin and ya...
Let's start this with Madi's visit. When she came over it was alright, not wat i had planned but it was ok i guess... i never showed her the song, we never went drivin, we never talked much and well it was wat i thought would happen which sux and i can't tell her i'm disappointed cuz were starting fresh so i cry in the morning sumtimes just thinkin about it but i dunno wat to do anymore as we are still distanced from each other.
We did however play Mario-Kart64 and we did do 2 things that we planned- was she slept over and we all watched Secret Window but still i'm disappointed bcuz the next day when i asked her like an hour b4 she decided to head home- i said maybe we could do that drivin thing later on today? and i asked her if she had anything planned and she told me she didn't really have anything planned and she said yah...maybe and anyways so after 1-2hrs after she went home and we were chatting on MSN to each other- i asked her again and she said she can't cuz she has to go to her friend's house for dinner and possibly sleepover there as well...which was wat i suspected in my mind and i would have said that she disappoints me alot however..i can't cuz were starting fresh and it start a fight if i mentioned anything at all about how i feel with watever... so yah... all i can say is Madi is a spontanious person and i gotta live with it if were gonna be pals- as long as she let's me know b4 hand of whose coming and where i'll be fine but if she just shows up with a bunch of friends or has other things she might wanna do then she should tell me she has an idea at least of wat she may do later and let me know so i'm not all mad for thinkin she ditched me and stuff and get disappointed too cuz i thought it just be her and i and Lisa and Dana or watever and she comes over or does sumthin and brings a friend or two- i hate that... anyways that visit was alright but not as planned and that's ok just she gets me disappointed if she doesn't say anything about wat she's thinkin or watever- it bugs me. Oh yah and i just wanna point out that i wasn't going on the comp at all when she was over and she went on the comp like 2x and i did make the effort to start a convo and ask her wat we could do and so now whose the one not wanting help or watever...seems to me she's the one who needs the most help right now but she doesn't think she does cuz everything is going swell for her when really deep down inside she like screaming, i'm guessing here.
Other than that- i have been cleanung my room soooooo much and Dana has done very little and were hopefully gonna get the room re-done soon b4 we travel to where-ever for 2weeks and then camp and stuff.
My ratties are better one week and worse the next then better again the week after and so on and so on... its crazy- i really hope they get better cuz i don't wanna lose em just yet... mostly worried about Tika-she's seems to be having the most difficulty breathing and such... sooo worried right now and hungry-lol
On neopets- i'm at like 802k only like 200k to go for my million and the OLP guild is active and stuff again...i'm sooo happy but also frustrated cuz my comp's sound is messed still- been messed for like a week and has a virus that's screwin with the friggin browsers so i can't play many neopet games and pages load in slow and ya...just horrible week. Might have to get the whole comp wiped out to get rid of it- grrr...
2more weeks of my program to go til holidays- i'm not out for good just yet which sux cuz i'm not looking forward to Sept but eh...that's just life. I'm having trouble sleeping at night- i don't know why but i do know that my mind is healing cuz i'm having wacky dreams which aren't really normal for me and ya i think i've entered the teen thang...with sleeping cuz i just started to sleep in more and stay up later than normally i'd stay up so my hours are fucked and i'm thinkin full of shit at night and morning and ya...its stinks for moi right now-lol
So..... wat else is there i need to say- oh yah i think i'm an Avril fan now too- i guess its cuz Chantal helped her with 9songs- hahahaha lol and Raine helped her with like 1 or 2 and also produced it so maybe that's why but i like her 2nd cd music- her first is alright but her 2nd one is better-lmao.
OLP's new cd has been changed sooooooo many times for the release date cuz they feel they're being rushed so its probably not gonna be done til the fall and out in early 2005 is wat they keep saying so yah... i heard the demo song Vampires and holy shit is the best.... also i hope they choose the name Unusual Amount of Common Sense for their new cd title- that's just kewl lol ok i think i'm done and if i have more to say than i'm sure i'll say it later or 2morrow maybe...so
ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!!
current mood: frustrated
current music: My Happy Ending +Take Me Away by Avril Lavigne
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 2nd, 2004
| |
5:27 pm - fading away to nothin,being left behind.....
|
i'm sorry i wasn't makin any new entries for awhile. i've been too busy with other stuff. Anyways i just gonna say here that sumtimes if a person feels they need to pass on and not be here on earth anymore and that's wat they want then they'll kill themselves and make their wish come true.
Another thing- i hate when ppl label you like ppl think i'm suicidal cuz i talk about death every now and then but hey... who wouldn't?! i think i feel shitty cuz i haven't had a shower yet and i'm just gonna ditch every one of my friends starting in August cuz i can't seem to keep a good friendship going cuz i'm shy and stuff and i have nothin in common with most of them anyways so why bother ay?
But i'm gonna go clean or do sumthin and get a drink cuz i'm thirsty but i'll ttyl...probably 2morrow or sunday and tell ya how it goes after Madi spends a day and half with me..it will probably be like half day tho but who knows cuz Madi is a last min person but watever...anyways i better go make myself feel a bit better so ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!!
Reminder: Forget the past....grrrrr...forget it!
current mood:  intimidated
current music: music by out of your mouth
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, June 22nd, 2004
| |
9:44 am - jessie velvet me i and myself say hey-lol
|
Sorry i haven't been doing any new entries- just been busy with other things and ya....
On the weekend i had to take my ratties to the vet and they have mycoplasmosis(myco) and its with them for life so i have to give them meds twice a day for the rest of their life which sux but at least since i caught this illness in the early stages they'll be able to live their life span 2-3yrs so hopefully they do cuz i luv em sooooo much.
Also on Saturday i went driving for a bit in a parking lot with my mom and my friend Lisa and omg... it was fun and even Lisa attempted to drive a bit and holy shit...she's jerky man...i'm glad she still has like a few years to grow and learn b4 she can get her driver's license hehehehe hahahahahaha lol
Oh yah and she almost rammed us into a wall- it was sooo hilarious...too bad Madi couldn't come- she'd luv it too.
Then after that i went to this street party we had at the end of our street and it was ok but it could have been better if i hadn't have seen Madi, her dog and her 2 other friends who probably hate me cuz of i dunno... cuz i got soooooo mad i wanted to hit her but i knew that was wrong and also cuz she's a black belt in karate so i'd have nothin and so instead i just grabbed 2hotdogs and came home for the rest of the night too cool off cuz i know i do regret wat i do and say when i'm mad so i thought i'd avoid it so nothin bad happened.
Something bad did happen but i didn't know about it til the next day cuz when i was mad and i asked Madi how come she lied to me and stuff she said she was sooooooo mad that she deleted her lj account cuz i told my mom and my mom told Lisa's mom and than it kinda got over heard by my brother and Andrew or sumthin so everyone started reading Madi's lj or sumthin but watever went wrong, Madi deleted her account and isn't gonna tell me her new one cuz she thinks i'll do the same thing.
Just wanna let you in on sumthin- i define the word "live" in livejournal.com- even if us folks here don't read her lj i know that somebody that she doesn't know AT ALL will read it cuz this is on the internet not in like a real notebook or watever...but she doesn't get it still so i dunno wat to do.
I feel like there is still hope for us being friends which is why i'm finding it so hard to ditch her but then again i don't know if she even wants to still be friends when she says we have nothing in common and she says she's still my friend- i really truly don't get that part but i also i don't know if she's doing this to me cuz i'm a shy person but i dunno... hard deciding. I really do hope her and i can start fresh again and get over all of this cuz i still really wanna be her friend- i'm just not sure wat to do anymore since she won't give me a 2nd chance.
I'm sorry about not saying anything when Madi was on my front porch but seriously i thought it as too occurred to have her on my front porch after fighting with her like 2-3 days ago and also cuz everyone was kinda on the porch as well so i didn't but that's my fault. She should know that i want to talk to her tho cuz i've told her like millions of times that we should talk and she knows but watever... i don't know wat to do anymore.
Oh yah...and i'm still gonna always be that shy person BUT...i shouldn't have to change how i am in order to make more friends- that's just fuckin dumb and stupid. I am trying to do more fun and interesting things but on my level so i may still come across as a boring person but i'm slowly gradually working on it- i'm not gonna like just jump right in and say let's go shopping here just us or ya know - that is too overwhelming for me.
Would you rather me do wat you do and cry and be scared about it the whole time or let me just do it on my own turf and not have to be with a sobbing i feel insecure me???
Anyways right now i'm just playing on neopets and checking sites and stuff and listening to music and yah... my throat is sore too and yah soo ttyl
PEACE OUT!!!!
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 14th, 2004
| |
8:19 pm - Sometimes you must let go of the things you luv the most...
|
Alright, i'm sry i never got to finished the other entry but i'm just gonna say that.
I'm worried about Madi, she is ay VERY VERY confused girl, as i can see right now and she lied to me and she isn't being a friend to me at all- friends do not do those things to other friends- that would be called enemies. I'm sorry to say this but i must part from that girl as i have no other choice too. If Madi wants to be my friend, she has to know herself first and respect others and mature a lil more cuz she isn't at all mature.
So this is my goodbye msg to Madi,
As we were friends from the start,
You made me laugh, giggle and fart
But as time passed on,
And we got older,
We lost ourselves.
We've gone our seperate ways,
Not paying attention to what was going on,
So i must say that,
I'm moving on,
Goodbye to the good times we once had,
Goodbye to the bad days we did have,
I cannot fight anymore,
I must stop and let you go,
For i'm seeing you not yourself,
You need help my friend,
I cannot help you, you will not let me,
So i must leave you, til you let me
Or let others help you with your problems you're having.
Some friends will be your friends forever,
Some will ditch you for others,
Some will only see you as the person you want to be,
Others may just find you annoying
But there will always be those friends you grew up with,
Like me, who will help you and trust you forever.
I must give you time,
I must let you have space,
Think about what you're doing,
And possibly change some ways/habits you have.
Become a thoughtful,
Stronger yet respectful polite person,
Please try to find help, in getting to know yourself
I think as a friend to you, you need help ASAP
Goodbye my friend,
Madison Bingley,
You kept me strong through good times and bad,
But unfortunatly, friendship has been lacking alot
I must let you go now,
Take care Madi,
GoodBye for now!
-------------------------------
Okay so today was kinda okay, i had an aweful disappointing morning bcuz my mom drove me to my skewl program and i just couldn't get outta the car and go in for sum reason so she took me home and told me at least i tried instead of not getting outta the house at all...which i normally will do if i don't wanna go. So i'm happy i tried but i'm still kinda disappointed a lil.
I also found out that one of my blue gouramis died- i don't know which one it is but i have a feeling the other one is gonna die soon as well...cuz it seems very lonely and kinda sick. My lil Tika has like mycho flare-up or pnemonia cuz she isn't eating much and she's thin and itchy and making weird noises still and omg... why did she have to be like this...its all my fault- i should have never adopted any pets, i don't care for them properly...i'm soooo depressed right now well...kinda lonely cuz right now i'm home alone altho any minute now my dad and sister are gonna come home so YAY!!!
Today i just watched tv and play Mario-Kart- yah that's right Mario-Kart- i won like every race ok....actually lost one race but i won most of the races and i played that game for like an hour and yah.... then i just like took a nap or was going to but then decided to like eat popcorn so i did that instead. I played with my parrot Cody as well...that sun of a bird- he is one kewl pet when i'm feeling blue- no offence to the rats but they make me sad cuz of how i care for them so i have to be happy when i'm playing with the bird cuz if i feel shitty then he does too and bites me- grrrrr... lol
Okay well.. i better go now cuz my sister came back and she really wants to use this friggin main comp so ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!!!!
current mood: distressed
current music: Freak On A Leash by Korn
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, June 10th, 2004
| |
5:53 pm - OBSESSED...OBSESSED...OBSESSED!!! I guess i'm obsessed
|
Well...geez here is my ONE last entry about my friend Madi- yes i know...i don't understand why i had even met her- oh yah cuz my parents knew her parents and we were both lil kids and we lived on the same street in the same houses and OMG.... we still do but like MADI says "LIFE CHANGES, PEOPLE CHANGE- THAT'S JUST LIFE" How many times has she said that to me- like oh about.....6-7x already. I was trying to be patient and be open-minded about all the things that we were fighting about but no, she has to keep her thoughts and watever about me to herself and her life or the things she luvs doing which i don't know anymore cuz she NEVER FUCKIN TELLS ME ANYMORE...or wait...i mean she will tell me but ONLY IN VERY VERY LIL DETAILED SHORT ANSWERS. I never ask her to do things with me...BULLSHIT! I have asked her to do many things with me over past year and only once she came and did sumthin with me- it was to my b-day party but THAT'S IT! Nothing more and nothing less. I asked her if she'd like to come see Secret Window with us- she said no, i asked if she'd like to come see 13 going on 30 but she again said no. Oh yah i forgot i asked her to come be a big part of my life by coming with me up to Timmins last summer to see OLP and a bunch of other bands- wat did she do- she said sure i'll come and like 4days b4 the concert it turns out she couldn't make it cuz she wanted to bail on me and go with the bacques to their cottage for month and well..the latest ones was if she just wanted to go for a walk and just talk about anything in general ya know..catch up on stuff cuz i don't see her much but she didn't and i asked her and i let her decide when it would be, for the driving thingy and she bailed on me and she didn't keep her word- so excuse me if i'm fed up with giving advice and help and being a nice friend and letting her do watever for the past fuckin 3yrs- she kept secrets from me well... everyone has some things that don't want to be heard but like she kept EVERYTHING from me and never told me how much i bother her til fuckin NOW!!!
I poured my heart and soul and trust and friendship into being as good as a friend as i could be and i told everything to her- there isn't one thing that she doesn't know about - i tell her my whole life cuz i trust her and i care about her as my BEST friend. Nobody can replace Madi- she is my only close and trusting friend i have, i'd hate to ditch her for sumthin soooooo stupid like i dunno...can't think cuz i'm too pissed off.
You can say that i'm obsessed but really i'm just doing it outta luv- cuz i really miss Madi. So Madi, just so were clear on this- i'm letting you go- i'm gonna kill myself like next month cuz nobody cares anymore- my life has no meaning. I scare you, here's sumthin to worry about- no i will not kill myself cuz i don't have the guts to but if i did i'd advise you to make me stop ASAP.
Talk more later- this entry is not finished- gotta eat supper
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, June 9th, 2004
| |
5:55 pm - i am here awaiting a better life 4 me
|
LIFE IS WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT
I am here,
Just awaiting a better life
I sit on a chair,
Thinking about stuff,
I've never really lost hope,
nor faith.
I'm just somebody else,
Different, unique
From others
You don't see my pain,
You don't see my happiness,
You don't really understand,
Yet you know how i am, and feel
Though you keep it hidden,
The truth is in the eye of the beholder.
It will eventually stress you out,
Knowing the situation persists on getting worse.
You keep your lies and truth and opinions inside you.
You're not giving up your ways,
nor improving on what you've done or are doing
Everything around you seems to be lost,
You seem less interested in most things you once loved.
People spy on you,
Like they are worried of what may come of you
You ask for help,
From your neighbours,
From your friends,
From your family,
They just look at you in disappointment
Like you're some weird person from outer-space
You feel neglected, used, lonely
I try to find my ways of having fun,
Getting my happiness back,
But nothing works,
I'm just not feeling right
I say i'm lost and confused
I explain my conditions to others
About my problems,
From the past, and my present
Still nobody seems to care, or listen to me.
I wanted to have someone,
Male or Female,
Older or younger,
That i could just be great pals,
Friends with,
Forever, til the day i die
I could tell them EVERYTHING,
They'd never hurt me in anyway whatsoever,
We would get through tough times,
We would get through good times,
We would cry, be happy and laugh together
All the time.
People change,
So our lives change,
Its not what the problem is,
Its how you see things,
How you percieve things as a person.
Our actions and consequences,
Are what make us who we are,
Physically and mentally
We learn over time,
So later on in life,
We can understand ourselves a bit better,
When were around other people.
I'll leave with these last few phrases:
Think before you speak,
Pay close attention and listen to others opinoins(be open-minded)
Life IS what you make of it
current mood:  busy
current music: Mr. Tamborine Man by The Byrds
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Monday, June 7th, 2004
| |
7:03 am - I'm soooooo sore right now......
|
I'm soooooooo sore right now from yesterday. This entry is for Madi, actually wait a second...its for me but about Madi and if Madi is reading this then well...now you know or do you?! Anyways, yesterday we planned to go for a lil drivin- about a week ago...actually 5months ago but i asked again last weekend on Sunday and Madi said sure.....next weekend....sunday sooooo...i was in total shock bcuz of her answer and frankly....i wasn't surprised that she'd ditch me yesterday bcuz of oooh sumthin that she just found out like 2-3days b4...soo suddenly. Also she luvs to spend time at her other friend's homes and sleepover and just hang out with them and she says that it is important and so she does it well....if she says its important to do that then how come she doesn't look at me as a important friend to hang with...is it bcuz i'm shy, possibly? Even though i say i'll always be there for her....well...i will be there for her BUT only if she returns the favor by being a good friend and respecting me and coming over every now and then like she does with her other friends...EVEN IF SHE HAS TO GET SOMETHING DONE! Oh wait a minute...i'll be making her fail cuz i tend to get in the way ALL the time...she tells me i'm nagging her about everything...well..if she isn't going to tell me what's really going on or what else to do then i'm gonna keep talking like this til something happens because she REALLY REALLY REALLY hurt me. I'm not sorry for watever she does because i've forgiven her and waited and gave her lots of warnings and stuff for a long time...i'll be more specific...about 2yrs now and i'm just soooooooooooooo fed up with trying to help her and even be her friend. If this means i gotta ditch her well...i really don't want to and i don't know if i could do that but if that's the case then i don't know what else to do or say to her.
I feel like she's hiding me from her other friends.... or something...
She says to me that i don't want any help or anything to make me get better and she also says that i NEVER talk to her or do anything "exciting" anymore....well...excuse me but i believe that she doesn't want any help and she NEVER talks to me anymore unless i talk to her on MSN and i am doing a bit more exciting things now, she just ain't around to see it like for example.....trampoline... i have a fear of jumping on a trampoline bcuz of my neck problem but i jumped on it and i was gonna wait til she came over and saw me on it but i was like nvm...she doesn't care anymore so why bother to wait so i jumped on it and yesterday was also a great example as well...
Anyways, i do have more to say but i'll say it later when i come back from my skewl program and maybe i'll have another lil lesson or something for her to know about but really...i don't feel the need to help her anymore...i've done all i can and i show no sympathy for her anymore bcuz she's hurt me sooooooo many times...maybe i should ditch her but who knows...this summer isn't gonna go well and skip camping this year i ain't gonna want to be around someone who makes me tick and isn't actually a great friend.
Its not really my loss though- its hers- as she said she's losing alot of friends bcuz of wat she's doing and that is soooooo true...she's losing me slowly unless she does sumthin about it i'm not gonna acknowledge for awhile so yah... have more to say but i'll say it later tonight...ttyl lj
PEACE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood: annoyed
current music: Are You Sad by OLP
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
velvet_butter's journal